Alterations, Deviations, Shifting Insecurities


nanimarquina_flying-carpet

Yesterday I found out that I would not graduate by November 23rd, according to policy of the university I must have at least 5 quarters of dissertation work. By some miracle, if I can finish in four quarters, then I would need to petition for approval. If that isn’t “great” news, then I found out I was shy 8 points to make a “B” in one class and I may have to repeat it. I have to have a 3.0 GPA in all classes. I am so tired of all these flippin’ changes I want to just quit (well for a few seconds anyway)! I feel sort of like Charlie Sheen’s character in Platoon, when he tells his grandma he doesn’t think he can make it a year and might have made a mistake.” WARNING RACIAL SLURS EMBEDDED IN MOVIE CLIP!!!

There are times I feel like this Doctorate journey is like being dropped off in Viet Nam or any war torn country with people that don’t know or care who I am or whether I live or die. Graduation, (final classes, that is) won’t be until May 24, 2015. As does happen I misunderstood the protocol for doing dissertation, I misunderstood the class rubric and my options when I had trouble this past quarter. Too often I operate from a viewpoint of no options to keep me on the straight-as-I-can-be narrow path. That is not a sexual definitive, it is my not giving into my inclination to just say F-it and walk away. I cannot imagine childbirth being as difficult as this Doctorate journey. I did not think I would be so sick of school, writing, study, research etc. as I have become. I love writing, but after doing it all the time you just can’t face the keyboard sometimes. My FB & Skype friends do not realize how exhausting it is for me to chat etc. As soon as they start a chat I want o get off right away. Phones are easier and quicker. With my time constraints and the ability to do more than one thing, phone is flipping best! Sometimes I just stay away from emails, FB etc. to save my wrists and mind. People play on email etc., but when you’re writing paper after paper etc.… I do have the dictation software, but that requires taking time I often do not have to learn something other than the required texts and research. I know I sound depressive, but I’m not depressed. I am frustrated and disappointed in my missteps to grades and time frames. I feel disappointed in me. Another year? Brutal!

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