Permutation


Nothing better to describe things, I am not the same in any format. Betrayal by the immature and obviously “oblivious” is not fixable. Some people just swill in their narcissistic tendencies and over inflated egos, but that makes their internal damage even more obvious, sadly. I am most guilty for accommodating people and their issues as if they don’t exist, but I believe in the word “acceptance.” There’s just no changing people if they don’t choose to do so on their own, and why do it? Every individual provides the world with this one of a kind personality that makes the world the awesome place that it is. I love to see all the diversity that people have to offer even if it doesn’t work for my comfort. Although I used the words betrayal, narcissistic, and immature, it doesn’t take away my appreciation for what those individuals offer the world, because they have provided wonderful hope and help for many people in their own way. The hitch came in with my belief they would reciprocate the love, respect and thoughtfulness given, but I was the one who screwed up for expecting such a thing in return. I have always walked away from people who engaged in behaviors that don’t jive with my spiritual and personal beliefs and values thinking it would be easier than fighting or playing tit-for-tat games of control etc. I was told one that it is more upsetting to those I walk away from, but if I stay my respect completely drains away and I feel myself too embarrassed to look them in the eye. I don’t want to say “you just embarrassed someone with your careless comments or you’re judging someone who looks just like you, have you really listened to yourself.” Nothing makes me feel more uncomfortable than when someone is lying to me and they don’t know I know it. I rarely call them on it because then they’d be pushed in a corner and the next level of behavior is even worse and more ridiculous. Grown, supposed adults have done that with me and started nasty rumors along with more lies after I allowed my anger to rise and informed them of the truth and they were caught. It takes a concerted effort for me to deal with people that have said one thing, done another, then turn to me and change it up depending on the way the wind blows. I guess after all the things my mom told me about these people that they don’t know about I realized she had been doing the same things with them, trying to ignore the stuff they said and did. My mom was brilliant at it. I didn’t even know all her feelings and thoughts until near the time she exited this world. All this time I just thought she was unaware until she confided “I keep telling you about “______” they’ve been that way since they were a child. I didn’t want to listen because they were so beloved to me. No matter how much you love someone, it just may not be in your best interest to socialize with him or her. Love never ends whether you see or talk to someone because it is never ending or…it ain’t love baby—and that’s the truth Ruth!

So permuted, me? Yes! I’m slowly putting my familial sensibilities back together just not the way it used to be. I have a family; most of them don’t remember or think about me, which is good. The ones that know me, well I do not believe they are concerned about me as a person. It all comes down to whether your “loved ones” lift you up with positivity or knock you down with their harsh words behaviors. Simple questions can be asked to assess this:

 

  1. Do they start out conversations on a positive note or with excitement? (Hey, how you been or I was just going to call you) or do you get [Oh, it’s you or in the middle of your talking they always have to go]
  2. Do you get blamed for everything that goes wrong in their presence [If we hadn’t picked you up we’d be on time or they talk about you as if you’re as big as king Kong, though they have the shape of the “Michelin Man”]
  3. Are conversations mostly them talking and ended just after you start talking?
  4. When you’re together do you sense they really don’t like being close to your body or make constant complaints about your clothes

 

If someone doesn’t love or like you regardless of what you wear, how you’re shaped, your financial make up etc., It’s most likely something else.

 

Lift a glass to “something else” and I’ll continue permutation towards the glass of the real thing (and I don’t mean coke)

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