Such that it is, when all the lights are out I feel safest, because that means no one is in the room poking or jabbing at my arms or doing prison checks. I’ve got to work extra hard to get my muscles back to form and able to respond to my desired commands, I took so much for granted with my limbs and body that I feel almost ashamed to want them to help me now when I feel so lost in this hell on earth for me. I guess I do not deserve to use this perfectly good vehicle (Meat suit) gave me, which I didn’t take good care of, but I am working to rectify for the rest of the life I have on this earth.
Yesterday I hit my breaking point I couldn’t do my physical or occupational therapy appointments I just needed to be alone to cry and deal with my anger, frustrations, fears, and conflicting thoughts about my power possible decisions to slip away quietly in my mind. What other relief is there when you can find none. My closest loved ones worry, or are concerned and try to deal with watching me crumble; knowing this and how it may be affecting them drops me even lower. Catching my breath through all this seems nigh impossible, but since I do not believe in suicide for me (not that I have a good way to accomplish that here) I continue on with my mind grappling for something to hold onto. My spirituality is the last thread wearing the weight of all this and it doesn’t break due to a lifelong build up of faith and knowing. I know I will emerge from this hospital, but the changes feel permanent and irrevocable. The shadows under my eyes may take months to disappear if ever. I think about all the prisoners who are blessed to be able to leave “the big house” and I know as surely as they do there is no going back. Even if they return to their lives before being locked up the changes no one is every really prepared for especially the way one sees life in general. Prisons are prisons more for the absolute absence of humanity than the bars. If you find yourself anywhere that seems bereft of human rights, ethical behaviors, or simple recognitions of species unity, and you are not able to leave at will (whether physiologically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and or spiritually) you are truly in prison with sentencing always pending and too far off for hope to do its job.
In 30 minutes I’ll have to face the music of allowing myself to engage in a breakdown here where people are waiting for a spot in this special unit, my spot, that I could lose at the drop of a hat; the uncertainty of which terrifies me almost more than being here. Although my mind tells me I would be better at home, my muscles haven’t recovered well enough to cash that check. They have that saying: “ The lights are on, but nobody’s home.” Well I’m here to tell you I’m hiding here in the dark, but I most definitely am not home.