The Way HOME


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This is a picture of my reader board and the main components for going home: God’s Grace, a couple steps and the ability to walk to the bathroom. People use bathroom’s everyday and think nothing of it, but when you lose the ease of doing so…your appreciation for days gone by when it was just a hassle to stop everything to hit the restroom is unlimited! I swear I may just go to my bathroom at home just to go to it and do nothing else but sit there. I can totally see myself crying for the first week of being home just to sit in my living room, hold my dogs, do my own laundry, reach for anything without having to ask for help. Between medicines and not being to move around at will, things have stopped up a bit and days go by without certain restroom duties that used to be super regular and normal lost here in this strange dimension. Even with all my physical therapy nothing seems to be moving, as if there aren’t enough frustrations, sigh. I continue to seek spiritual understanding for this entire event. It has been 42 days, longer than Lent and the flooding of the earth with Noah’s Ark. On day 41 I was taken outside at my request, which begat many tears. I may end up working with prisons after I complete my degree in some way, but carefully. I find the connections made intimately with prisoners who have committed horrendous acts against other humans a wee bit creepy.

 

My step aunt engaged in such a romance and married the prisoner. They had their conjugal visits and such and when he was released they lived together a few months before he started acting frightened. Then one day some men in a car came for him and he told my aunt to stay in the house to not be seen by these men, but he was obviously scared. She never saw him again and no one was able to find him. For those who do engage, I send them prayers of security and safety.

 

My way home is starting to appear more feasible day by day. The surprising new rising anxiety is if I’ll actually be prepared to exist at home alone. I feel like the  30 Seconds to Mars song

“The Kill”

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn’t take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I’m not running from you

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
I’ve finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break
What if I, what if I, what if I (bury me, bury me)

Songwriters
JARED LETO

30 Seconds To Mars – The Kill Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

for my conflicts with myself for putting me in this situation as well as this place and how it has caused me so many afflictions.IMG_0216IMG_0218 Permutation indeed.

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